Life and problems

My life is so messed up. I dont understand some people. They tell you one thing and then the next you feel like you were wrong in something, but I guess the only thing for me to do is to pray and ask God for the answer or solution to my problems.

I had a talk with Joel and Pastor(dad) the other day after Wednesday night service about how I respond to Joel when he talks to me. I told them that I cant talk to Joel or any man for that matter because I dont trust any man. They understood because they knew what I was talking about and why I said it the way I did. I do feel bad that I havent yet broke through that wall of mine. I need to rely on God more then I rely on rely on myself and others. I need the strength to do so many things that are really easy.
I have come to the conclusion that I am not going to pray that God gives me patience but that God with give me support and help me through my struggles and problems that may come my way. I know that everytime I turn around something always comes my way and I have to deal with it and ten thousand others things, and when I cant do it, I go off on someone that really didnt do anything, maybe they just said something I didnt agree with and it caused me to go off.

Another thing that really bothers me is that I never feel accepted anywhere I go. Not even by my family. Which really bothers me to my core. Sometimes I feel that I dont even need to be here, because no one would give a shit. The only person I can depend on and that I know accepts me for who I am is my God. Everyone I talk wants me to change something about me so I cant figure out who I really am because everything I do is not me, it is somwthing that I was told to do or told to act. I need to stand up for myself and tell everyone to go screw them selves and stop trying to change me in places I dont need to change. I have been a christian for 3 years now and I have been told by people that they have seen alot of changes in me, and I agree but these ar good changes. I feel that the things people want me to change are things that they dont like about me, well to bad. This is me and this is how I do things if you dont like it them dont talk to me. I am not the Invisible Girl, I am girl who doesnt like conflict and doesnt care whats going on, so I am going back to being my quite self and I am not going to give my opinion, because all it does is cause problems. so if I cause problems with my being quite then to bad, it is relly your problem. The only thing I am going to speak my mind about is when someone hurts me. I am tired of keeping that all in, because it tears me apart inside because then I dont know how to act around that person. Dont ask me if I am mad at you, I will let you know. The next time someone asks me if I am mad at them then I am going to go off and say yes because you keep asking me that. It is tiring. Grow up, if I dont tell you right away it is because I like to go somewhere by myself and pray and ask God what to say and how I should say it so I dont cause anymore problems. Geez, my mind has so much stuff on it I dont think I could type it all.

My name is Ayla and my nickname is Aylabelle, there is no Invisible girl here and I dont want that to ever be me. I am done with all this crap. I give all my problems to God, He is able to do all things.