Xmas Eve and More

I have been extremely busy this week, getting things in order to have my mommy and sister come on Xmas Eve. I am so excited and couldnt ask for a better Holiday! God works in awesome ways. This week, we met at Joel's parents and celebrated Xmas with them on Monday since they were leaving to go away for the holiday, so happy Miss Debbie gets to spend time with her family. Then Wednesday night was the church Xmas party, and I made sausage balls. They were really good! We didnt stay long at the party because Joel had to get up really early to finish his Xmas shopping and to go to work.
We love the holidays, even though they can keep us really busy!
Now I am waiting to go to Mimi's on Xmas for lunch/dinner! We are suppose to have Sri Lankan food! My Xmas this year will be different but fun and excited! I will be spending time with my sister-in-law and her family, but that will be great!

Santa is coming to my house this year, I have been a good girl( LOL)!

Jaden got 6 gifts, but one of them cost me 50, but she will be able to use until she is 8yr old.

I have been praying and spending time with the Lord. I know He will bless me with the things my heart truly desires! God is amazing and wonderful! He deserves all praise and glory!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Pondering

Well I have been pondering a few things going on in my life lately and I have been praying alot more then I have ever prayed.

There is 1 week until Christmas and I am excited and cant wait. Jaden will love all her gifts!
Joel wants to have a Christmas eve party but I really dont want to because there is not enough time to plan for it. But he will figure that out for himelself when no one shows up. lol!

My cycle was weird this month, but oh well. Hopefully next month it will be better or it doesnt come..lol!

I have an amazing friend, that I didnt expect to be so close to and feel a specail bond with, but I do. She has helped me out with alot of things that I have been going through, and she made me feel special when I was going through a rough spot in my life. And she still continues to be there for me. I am grateful; to have someone like her. God has blessed her with that ability and she does a wonderful thing when she uses her gift.
I pray and ask God to continue to bless her and and her family so that they may beable to continue their blessing on someone else.

Still I am looking for a twin size bed, for Jaden for Christmas and trying to get her a new car seat since the one she has is falling apart and is to small for her. I need a booster seat( thats what it is called) they are about 40 at walmart and more expensive at kmart. Why do things like that cost so much when half the time the kids are not in them very long. it is the same with shoes for them, they cost as much as mine do but they will only wear them for maybe a month or two and then you have to buy new ones again, unless me I can buy a pair and they will last because my feet and I are done growing..lol!
Most of all Jaden needs more clothes then toys, I went through her toys and I am giving 4 big boxes to Salvation Army, and she still have 2 boxes full for herself, NO MORE TOYS!

Man I wish this rain would just go away! I want SNOW!

Not Yet

Well I thought I might have been pregnant, but it turns out that my cycle was just messed up.
I bled brown blood for 4 days and then on the 4th night it turned red.

I was okay with it, because I didnt get to worked up about it but I really wish I were.

I know that the Lord has something in store for me, I just need to wait.

I really want a baby before and I mean I want to have already have the baby before next year ends.

I havent felt well for the past few weeks and I dont know why.

Today is cold and I am sweating my butt off. But I am cold..why?

I am praying that things work out for the best and that I get to go see my little sister graduate in may. That would mean I get to go all the way to Indiana to my home. I miss it so much!

Lord Jesus, I am tired of crying over the child that I lost, I know she/he is in better place and is happy. I want to be happy too. I know that I will one day get to hold them in my arms and tell them how much I love them so much! You know my desires and my needs. Thank you for blessing my family and friends and I ask that you continue to bless us. You are worthy of all praise and glory. You are the Lord Almighty. In your name, Amen!

Why Not

Why not me, why not? What did I do or what didnt I do?

I am confused, I want a baby with my husband more than anything. Since my miscarriage, i have been mourning over what I dont have. It kills me to read facebook because half my friends are pregnant.

I keep praying that the Lord would bless us with a baby soon, I really wanted to get pregnant before the end of the year, so I guess I will continue to pray and ask the Lord. I know He is faithful, I am just a very impatient person. I need to see results ASAP. I need to work on that too.

Life in General

Well, I have been doing well.

Thanksgiving just past and I had a great time spending time with family. Nana stayed at my house and it was a wonderful experience to get to know her and make her welcome and comfortable. Got up really early on Black friday to go shopping with Marielle, heather and kristen, we had a great time. We ate at Starbucks for breakfast!!

Other then that I havent been feeling 100%. I havent been able to eat much without feeling sick.

Of course my husband thinks I am prego but I dont know. I want to be but I am terrified of being prego. I dont want to have to go through a miscarriage again and I wouldnt want any woman go through that. It was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through.

I have been praying that the Lord will bless us with another child but also give my heart the ease of being prego. I am also praying for the woman in my life that want to get pregnant, even if they dont want me too. God is good and knows when it is time and no matter when it happens it is always a blessing.

Facebook

Well I am beginning to hate facebook, or maybe at least some of my friends on there. When people have a problem with my status and they go tell my husband something totally off the wall, it causes us to have an arguement. Really if you dont like what my status says they tell me or just ignore it.

The last status I had said " been really busy and still has more work to do" there is nothing wrong with that, but someone told my husband that it said that and that it also said something about him not helping, CRAP!

I have a facebook to keep in touch with some people, I have been thinking that maybe I should delete everyone that I have a relationship with on the real world and the ones that I dont keep them as friends.

Other then all that, I have been really busy getting things in order for Thanksgiving and having Nana stay at my house with me. YAY! So I have been cleaning the middle room and the back bathroom and all of the other house that she will see.

I have had a great time spending time with the family that came in from out of town. We have taken the kids to the park and to DD's so they could have a tea party. They have had a blast together. Jaden wont stop talking about how much fun she has had with her friends(cousins)!

I have been having a little trouble cleaning my sister-in-laws house while she has guest. But I am doing what I can, I feel horrible that I didnt make it today but I really had a lot on my plate that I couldnt afford to go down there, I have to much stuff at my house to get done. Hopefully after the holidays it will get better, or at least after Thanksgiving!

Sorry Mimi!

Cant wait until Black friday! Going to get up early in the morning and head to the store to christmas shop!!!!

Maybe get starbucks!

Cant wait to stuff my face with food!!!

The Power of Prayer

The Power of Prayer is the most amazing feeling in the world. I have been praying that the Lord would guide me and show me the light through the dark road I have been on since my miscarriage. My heart aches at the sight of pregnant woman and hearing about someone getting pregnant. So I have been praying for months and every time I continue to pray I hear God telling me, that I need to think back to the message a very special man gave at the campsite, about waiting on the Lord but while waiting not to be idle. Well I have been thinking a lot about it, wondering what he meant about not being idle, well I have been told by God that it means that I need to continue on my path and do the things I was doing before the miscarriage, I do have a wonderful daughter, that is my world and I would do anything to make her happy. I am going to cherish the moments I have with her until God chooses when to bless me with another child. I also know that God will bless me, because He wants us to multiply. Why wold He say that and not bless us. He is waiting for us to be patient and give it all to Him, He know when the time is right, we dont!

So as I pray, I will be asking the Lord to guide me and show me what He wants me to do. I am open and ready for whatever the Lord wants me to do.

I just want to thank David for his wonderful message at the First Fire.

MENSTRUAL CYCLE

I hate them more than anything!

I want to be pregnant, so that means no more for 9months..LOL!

I pray that the Lord blessing me and my hubby with a child. I know He is faithful and will answer my prayers, I just need to be patient and I believe that is what God is waiting for me to do, is just be patient because He will answer my prayers. I will be patient and wait but while I wait I am not going to be IDLE!

I am going to be signing up for school in about a month, and I am so excited, I am probably going to be a radiolgist(xray tech) or hair and makeup! I have really thought about being a teacher but I dont think that I would be good at that.

I miss and love Frankie Stair, will be missed and never forgotten!

Heartache

My heart aches everyday. I am struggling so much with this miscarriage that I just had a month ago. Everyone around me is getting pregnant, which bothers be soooo much. I am not mad at any of them but I wish people would take in to consideration of what they type or say to me knowing that I am having major problems, I am not going to ignore them or anything but I am fasting from FB and Myspace. Maybe by the time I get back on there the people will have it out of their systems about the babies. Maybe by then I will be pregnant, and yes I will be off that long. I may even give my account up on both sites, so I dont have to worry about it anymore, call it copping out or just plain rude but it helps me deal with my struggles and the things that are hurting me.

I want to wait on God more than anything but it is so freaking hard. I am so impatient it isnt funny. I want a 2nd baby more than I want to go to school and get an education. I love children and it hurts to see and hear Jaden ask me to give her a little brother or sister. I want to do that more than anything and I would be if my child wasnt taken from me. Sometimes I feel that the baby was ripped from my being. I get mad at God, alot when I think about that. I wonder daily why anyone woman must go through what I went through, it is the worst feeling and thought I have ever gone through, it has messed me up physically and mentally.

Dont get me wrong I love my daughter more than anything but I want to have a baby with my husband and have a family and live in a nice house and grow old knowing that my children are godly christian kids and people. I would do anything for my daughter, she is my life and it is the most wonderful feeling of love. No one and I mean no man or woman could ever make me not love her with all my life, I would die for her in a heart beat. If I had to choose between my daughter or husband, I would honestly choose my daughter, she is my life and world!

I wish all the woman around me that are pregnant all the best and the world. I know some of them struggled to get where they are at, and I pray that they will not have to go through all the stuff they have already gone through again. I pray for them daily, that nothing goes wrong with their pregnancy. I also pray for the woman I know that are struggling with not having any kids and want them more then anything. God said he wanted us to multiply and I know He will bless us all, but I know some of us are struggling with WAITING.

First Fire 2009

Well, this past weekend was our annual knights First Fire, It was awesome. I had so much fun with friends and family. We had people come all the way from Iowa and family come from Savannah. We camped, cooked over the fire, talked and laughed. We also froze..lol!

Friday night we lit the first fire of the year, as a renewal in our lives.

Saturday morning, we Knighted Lindsey!

that afternoon we had our demostrations.

We passed out Candy to the kids.

Sunday, we had church service around the camp fire since it was chilly.

Then some of us ate lunch and then packed up and headed home.

It was an eventful weekend.

I also got a lamb and a reunion heart from Lindsey. It made me cry, even though I didnt cry at the camp, when I got home and read the heart and knew what the lamb stood for, it made me cry. But I know God has a purpose for what He is doing in my life.

Since my miscarriage, I have been talking to another woman who went through one recently too. I have helped her as much as I can, since I am still struggling with it. I believe I will always struggle with it, but with god by my side, I will not let it over come me to the point I am bitter and mean.

First Day at Work.

Well I started my first day at work, I clean my sister in laws house since both her and her husband work 8-5 everyday but the weekends. It is work, so dont judge me, all my money earned is for christmas for me and jaden, since Joel isnt getting anything else from me..lol. He got his gun and all the things that he needed to get with it.

I am getting Jaden a twin bed, clothes, and bicycle!

I just want make-up and the make-up brushes!

So I also went to the doctor today, because I have been having problems, well I found out that I have a UTI, which cranberry juice will solve that..LOL! I hate having them, I get them really easy, and it sucks big monkey butt.

I am getting everything ready for camping this weekend. I cant wait, YAY! My friend all the way from Iowa, is coming down with her husband to camp with us during First Fire! My Aunt Lori and Uncle Ralph and their 2 girls are also coming! We are going to have a blast!

Miss Debbie is inviting my mother to come for Thanksgiving dinner with the family, so that ought to be a suprise. I guess I will see how that turns out.

My husband moved around the living room, and again left me to clean it all up...grr, I hate when men do that. But I got it all cleaned and now I am ready to relax.

I got my laptop working again, all I needed was a powercord and I finally got one, so now I dont have to use my husbands anymore. Yippeee!

God is awesome and amazing. He has blessed me so much this year. It is hard to imagine sometimes. But I know I have a God that loves me for who I am.

Lord, I come to you tonight thanking you for all the blessings you have given me and my family, I ask that you continue to bless us. You are a worthy and awesome God, I give you praise and give you the glory for all things great in the world. Give me the strength and the will to spread your word. I also come to you to help me with my praying out loud in front of people, I want to do it so bad, but when I try nothing comes out. Help me please. In your wonderful name, Amen!

Sometimes

Sometimes, I get jealous really easy. Thats one thing about me that I do not like. I am trying to change that, but I know it will take time.
I have changed alot in the past 3 years and I wouldnt go back for anything. I love my life now I just wish and want things to be better and the way I want it. I pray daily that the Lord with help me with my jealousy. It hurts to see people with things that I want and it seems like that didnt have to work for it, or that they were blessed with it because they couldnt wait so they jumped right into it. My husband wont jump into big things, except buying a hand gun, but whatever, if it is bigger then that or if it is my dream I have to wait. I hate waiting. I am the most impatient person anyone will ever meet. I love my husband so much but I have thought about leaving because he is not giving me what I want and he makes me wait. I grew up spoiled and to not be spoiled now sucks big butt.

On another hand, I have gotten better since my miscarriage. My body is going back to normal. My feelings have been delt with and the Lord is helping me through this just as I asked Him too. He is with me wherever I am and is giving me the strength to get through this. I know now that there is a greater purpose in this and I am going to let it happen. My Lord with not forsake me, he will always be true to his words!

To much....

There has been to much going on since my last post. I fund out that I had a miscarriage, the baby died at 5 weeks 6 days, but I didnt start having symtoms until almost 2 weeks later, which is common. I have been told that God has a better plan for the baby then the baby being here on earth. I believe that! But I dont understand how God can bless someone with something and then rip it from them, my heart hurts and I mourne over the loss. I thought I was over it and okay to move on but I cry alot when no one is watching or around. I had a special bond with the baby even though I never got to see it, but all mothers that are expecting have that special bond with the child that is in the womb, that no one else has. So husbands may not know how to react or what to do because they have no idea what we are going through, sometimes it is hard for me because I want him to be sad and show emotion for our lost, I mean I am not the only one that made it possible, he did have a part in the making of the baby. But I am trying to give him his space, he has told me he has cried and that he is extremely sad, but I believe I need to see those feelings and emotions. Call me wrong for wanting that but I need that. I need to know he cares what I am going through.

The 30th was 3 years for me and my husband. It doesnt seem like it has been that long but it has. I love him with all my heart and soul. I know that he was the one and only man for me, when I married him, I knew God placed me in the right place with the right man. We or he may struggle with alot of things that God is trying to put in motion, but I know as long as I keep praying and knowing and having faith I know we or he will get where we are suppose to be. I have always heard that the first 5 years of a marriage are the most difficult, so 2 more years for me..LOL!
I had a wonderful time with my husband on the 29th. We went out to eat at Ruby Tuesday, which is my favorite place to eat when we have the money since it cost so much!!! I had an Asian Salmon, it was so awesome! Then we went downtown to Buffs and listened to all the drunks get up and sing kareoke..LOL! Maybe one day I will get over my stage fright and get up there(sober) and sing..LOL!

I am praying for friends that are close to me that are going through trials. I know God is in control. He will get her through this trial and all the others that may come her way.

Marielle and Jason, got their dog Ceasar back, they had to take him to the vet to get his leg fixed but he is doing well. They are still waiting on their other dog, Little Foot to come back, I pray that she will make it back. They have seen her outside a few times, I pray that she just comes home to be with a family that really loves her.

First Fire is coming up, going to go camping!!!

I cried lastnight when Joel and I talked about christmas, because I would have started to have a tummy. It hurts so bad. Lord Jesus give me the strength to get through this loss. I always thought I would never be one of the women that have miscarriages, but now I am and I believe that I will have a purpose in this world.

I do thank the Lord for giving me the opprotunity to concieve, even though I didnt carry full term, I know I will have a healthy baby one day. My Lord is awesome and gracious!

Update

I went to the ER Sept 22,2009 and had an ultrasound and they couldnt find a heart beat but they also told me that it is a little early to see one, but I go back tommorow and get more blood drawn to see where my HCG LvLs are. They were 9000 so hopefully they go up. Please Lord Jesus, give me strength, I believe you can work miracles!

Pregnancy Center

I am so pissed and disappointed in the pregnancy center. they wont even see me on my appointment. I am going to comment on it. All I want to know is to find out if I still am carring a baby or if I am not. I have to go to the ER and I dont really want to go sit and wait 2hrs before I am even seen.

Family

I wish my family were closer in relationships. It hurts me deeply and I dont know what to do. I really need someone that I can talk that can help me. I cry all the time, and I have given it to God but the problem seems to keep getting worse. I cant take much more pain. I feel like I am being ripped at the seams. I need help. I dont know what to do and it hurts so much.

5 weeks 5days!

Well I am 5 weeks 5 days along. It has been a farely good pregnancy so far, I have ony gotten sick a few times, I eat like a fat cow, and I am always tired.

i have other things going on right now too, such as tenderness and firmness in the chest area, but all is well. I have a Ultrasound on the 24th of Sept. I will get to listen to the heart beat and see the baby, I cant wait. I just wish my husband could be there for me but I will have to find another ride and someone to watch jaden.

Hopefully some time this week I can make it to the Health Dept. to get my other things done, so I can get wic for me. and get to a real doctor.

Pregnant!

Ok so my last entry was when I was 3 days late. Well I decided that I was going to take a test the next day, thanks to Nikki! I took the test and it came back positive, I was so excited that I couldnt wait for joel to get home so I told him at work.
He was happy, he was telling everyone he worked with!

I am 5 weeks, 1 day! Due date around May 5th!

3 Days Late

Well I am 3 days late in my cycle. I think I might be pregnant, but I am going to wait 2 more days to just see.

Leanna thinks I am. Hs esays she has a feeling, she told me she had the same feeling when my sister Heather announced that she was.

Joel thinks I am since he has been telling all his co worker that I am. I told him to be careful who you tell, just in case. He asks me everytime he talks to me, have you started yet and I keep telling him NO! 

In 2 days I will find out and then I will announce it to everyone!

Worried

Oh My, I am going to crazy, I have lost my engagement ring. I have looked high and low and have destroyed my clean house that I have spent all day trying to get back together since I have had these chest pains. 

I am not sure what Joel is going to do but I know he may be made. I am praying that the Lord will help me with finding it before Joel gets home. 

If i dont find it I guess I am going to have to use my woman wilds, lol! 

I hate worrying about things, God take this problem from me. 

On another note, my anniversary is coming up in Sept. I cant wait, it will my 3 yrs. I am going to to a Blink 182 concert, All American rejects, fal out boy and some other band are going to be there, but I dont know that band. Then we might go to the aquarium or the zoo or maybe even the Coke Factory! Yay for me!

Wonderment

Well alright where to begin. Lately everyone around me is getting pregnant, and thank the Lord. I am happy for all of them.

Heather(sister) 4 weeks

Leanna(friend) 8 weeks

Stephani(friend) 5 months

They will all be wonderful mothers again, since they all have one already. 

Heather has a 3 yr old boy

Leanna has a 9 month old little boy

Stephani has a 3 yr old girl

As I sit here and are being happy for them, I am also a little in wonderment, because they all told me that they really werent trying that just had sex. Well I have been doing that same thing with my husband of 3 yrs and nothing has happened yet. It does hurt a lot that it hasnt, because I want to have another one so bad. I pray to God all the time to bless Joel and I with another child. Sometimes I feel that God isnt answering my prayers because of something I did or didnt do or he just isnt listening to me. Well I feel that way alot. Maybe I havent grown enough in my faith, or maybe I feel like I am lying to myself. I have no clue, and I wish I did. I know several other women who are wanting have children and I also wonder if they ever feel that way I do sometimes when someone around them tells them that they are pregnant, or if it is just me. Or if they feel the same way about God answering their prayers. 

I have been told that I am jealous, I dont want to put it that way because I am not jealous, I am just a little sad and hurt that it hasnt happened to me. I know that Bible says we are not suppose to be jealous of others, so I try not to be jealous, but on occasion I do get that way, but not about this. I am extremely happy for all of the women around me that are getting pregnant. I cant wait until all their tummies get big so I can touch it!!!! 

thats all I have for now. Maybe another day I will have something entertaining to type about or not! It is only my mind wondering and getting in the way sometimes!

Home Sick

I sit here by myself at home while my husband is at work and I talk to my sisters in Indiana, or I see Leah's family talking about it in their status. I miss my home so much. I miss my family and friends that are there. I dont really have any friends down here but family and I want friends that I can hang our with. One of my good friends just had her baby boy and I wasnt there and I wanted to be there so bad. My heart aches to be home, but Joel wont move up there. BOOOHOO! I have been wanting to go visit my grandfathers grave and talk to him and let him know that I miss him more then anything in the world. I was so close to him. It will be 5 years since he has past in Sept. My heart breaks everytime I think about it or think about him. He was one man that I knew would always be there for me when I needed him most and now he is not here with me because God has taken him. I cry alot when I talk about him or realize that the anniversary of his death is coming soon. No one knows how it feels. I need him, I need to talk to him, I need to hear him say "I love you Ayla!" I want to tell him, that I am sorry for all the wrong that I did when I lived with him. I want to hug him! I miss the smell of his Eucalyptus back rub(lotion)!

I want to go home so much! I need to go home! Georgia is where I live but it will never be home for me.

Let Down..again

Well I dont have much to say except that I was let down again. God when will it stop?

Contentment?!

So what is contentment?
Do you struggle with it?

I do! Not that it is a good thing but I know I do, so I am not going to deny it at all. I use to deny it all the time, but now with God showing me the way I have come to realize I am very uncontent with the things around me. I am trying to be content with what the world around me because I know there is a much bigger and better place for me as long as I know the Saviour and follow His words daily. I may struggle with it, but it will get better day by day.
I have gotten a little better, I have turned down buying a dress I really want from Maurices about 5 times, even though I keeep having then put it on hold. I realizes if anyone needs clothes it is my daughter and my husband needs a new pair of dress shoes for work because the pair he has now the sole is coming apart from the rest of the shoe. He has superglued it together for 2 months now.

I pray that my contentment will get better and I will learn to work with the things around me to make them better. I want a house so bad but I know in my heart that it will be a while before Joel and I can get one, so I sit and ponder what can I do to the place I live in now to make it "home!"

I want another baby, but I know that God will see it fit when the right time for Joel and I to have another. He told us to multiply so He will grant me my prayer one day, soon or later in life. I am giving it to God. I also pray that my friend can come to that conclusion.

I pray that my mother will grow to know the Lord the way I do. I want her to accept Him as her personal saviour. She needs His guidence, so until then I will be that guidence. I will show her the love He has given to me to share. Thank you Lord Jesus, for giving me that chance and opportunity! I will use it wisely!

So Happy!

Omg I finally got on Myspace and saw that my best friend in Indiana posted pics of her baby. He is so adorable. His name is Parker! I am sad that I could not be there to see him be born. But I will be able to see him soon! I am an AUNT! Thanks Shianna for making me an Aunt!

Exited!

Wow, I am excited to get my bible study in the mail from Lindsey. We are going to do it together. I cant wait. I am ready to begin this. Not saying that I never did a bible study because I have but now I get to do it with a friend. It a book from Women of Faith. She told me that she read some of it and that it was really good. So I cant wait I should get it in the mail today or Monday, maybe Tuesday at the lastest. I cant wait. This is going to be so much fun.

I am also reading a really good book. I like fantasy books! Patricia Briggs is a really good author in that genre, she caught my attention with in the first few pages, those are the kind of books I like! I cant wait to finish it and post it in my other blog for books reviews that me and 2 friends are doing together!

I enjoy doing things with friends, it is so much more funner.

Well yesterday was not so good of a day, since Jaden got up at 7am and was a terrible brat, she didnt do anything but whine all day. She only took an hour nap and still didnt go to bed until 1am. So I had a really rough day, and it already seems that I am going to have one today since Jaden wont stay out of things and is not listening to me at all. I cant take this. I am going crazy, I need to get away from all this crap.
I need to go away and take time to spend with the Lord to get my head cleat.

Lord Jesus, please help me.

Everything!

Ok so, nothing has really happened.
Life can be boring at times but Oh well, I will live with it.

Heather told me there is a house for rent for 500 a month, she said it is really nice and has a fenced in yard but, I have realized, that God will provide Joel and I with a home of our own in his own time. I cant rush things, they will never happen or they will and everything will become a disaster and things will go wrong. My God is wonderful and He knows when and how Joel and I will get a home that I can truely call my own, so until then I will make the best out of what I have and I will be satisfied. It is really hard, so I may mess up, but my God will forgive me.

I have been looking for boxes, all sizes, because I am going through stuff on my bookselves and the things that I dont want I am giving/throwing away and the things I am going to keep I am going to box up nicely. It is time for a change in the way my house looks, I will take it one step at a time.

I am happy! I am glad that I am who I am, some people dont like it and that is not my problem anymore, because I am proud of the person I am. I am not perfect and I dont ever want to act that way, I screw up, but I am always forgiven some way or another. In time I will fix alot of my problems but until then if you notice me doing anything that would afftect me or the person God made me to be then please tell me(NICELY).

I am saying now that if I have hurt you or made you mad in the past then I am sorry. God has forgiven me, so I pray that you can too.

Still trying to figure out what I want to go to college for, it is so hard to decide!
I have been really thinking about just going and doing my core and while I am working on that decide what I want to do.

If you know me, then give me suggestion.

VBS is coming up next week and I am excited, even if it is only the kids from my church that are there, it will be fun! Beach Party here I come!

We(knights) have decided to have a feast this year, I can not wait to have it. I know it will turn at wonderful! We will dance, eat and have a merrily ole time!!!!!!

God is Awesome

For the people that dont know, I have a friend that was diagnosed with cancer of he tongue a little over a year ago. She is getting better as time goes by. The other day she went for another biopsy and she got the results today and it came back negative. Praise the Lord for working in her life. I pray for her daily. Yesterday she went to see the doctor because she could hardly swallow anything, so the stretched her esophogus, so now she is in a little pain and is resting. I will continue praying for her. God is awesome!

I have been praying to God about alot of things in my life and He has answered me and told me to let go and give them to Him so that He may deal. He has also told me to be patient, that my time is coming.

I am glad to know that I can count on God to listen to me when something is bothering me.

My God is an awesome God!

I am going to stand and yell at the top of my lungs that I am proud to be a Christian!

Whatever

Whatever! I am so tired of everything. I dont care anymore. Dont ask me to care. But other than that I am doing good.

We got our AC fixed so now I have been busy cleaning my house since when I didnt have AC I really didnt do anything. It was to hot and my asthma has been acting up on me lately because it has been so hot.

The other day I woke up shaking and hardly breathing. Joel was going to stay home but I told him that I would call mom and dad and have them call you if I needed anything, it was sweet because he called me every hour on the dot to make sure I was doing ok. I love my hubby! I love having people in my life that I can truley count on instead of having to but my faith in people that I dont know if they will come around. But whatever, I know who I can count on and I know that God knows who I can count on, but first and formost it is God. He is always there for me when I really need Him.

I am proud to be a Christian and I am not scared to show it. I may not a very good Christian but I am working on myself to become the Christian, God wants me to be and I am proud of myself to see where in life I am now and where I was before I found the Lord. I have made a huge jump. I hear it every now and then from people that they are proud of who I am becoming and that makes me feel really good because I have worked really hard.

I pray every day for the Lord to help me with my struggles. And I pray for family and friends. I have become better at praying but I still dont think I can do it aloud for others to hear me, I barely can do it in front of my husband. But again I am working on that. I will one day lead in prayer for something and feel great that I did it.

Blessed!

My God is awesome. He knows when the best time is to bless us. He has blessed my family abundently these month. I love seeing and feeling the blessing of Christ!

These last few days have been extremely hot, and I have felt it. I have had a hard time breathing and I have been drinking tons of water to hydrate my body and staying in my bedroom where there is an AC!

I am waiting for my picture of my litte sister because she will be a senior when school starts again, and she got senior pics taken, I cant wait to see them or at least the ones I am going to get. I miss my family in Indiana alot. Sometimes I wat to move back up there, but then I am sure I will miss the family down here. All I know is the next year Joel and I are going to Indiana to visit and I cant wait.

Lord, I come to you asking that you continue your blessings and that you will watch over my family and bring them closer to you. I have come to the conclusion that I am not going to keep asking for you to bless us with another child, because I know you will bless us with one when the time is ready! I will me patient and wait on you. I know you heard me, when I asked. Thank you for blessing us and your continueing blessings. In your name, Amen!

Dont Understand

Why is that no matter what I say sorry for it never seems like it is enough or that the person says they forgive me but then when around each other, they blow me off or just dont have any contact.
I guess all I know is that I did what God told me to do and that was apologize for whatever it was that I did. It is now on the person that has to forgive. Oh yea you can say you forgive, but is it really true or do you just say it so they will leave you alone about, then you go home and write in a journal about what they did and how rude it was and how mad you are at them. Well if so, you have not forgiven. If you dont believe me then just wait until God, tells you that what you did is wrong. Because Jesus forgave us fully and competely, there was no and, ifs, or butts about it. He died for us. Jesus is still sitting in heaven forgiving us of all that we do that is wrong. He does not choose when to forgive, He forgives everything. As christians we need to forgive and be like christ, the Bible even tells us that.

Other Blog

Please come check out my other blog. http://ramblingsofbookworms.blogspot.com/

This week has been a good week until Joel told me that his place of work was moving there pay day to match Verizon. I mean they have been changing everything in the store, what gives? Well I was happy when he said he would get a pay check on friday(today)! Well I figured ok so you are going to get paid for a week, well thats not good since we already had a plan made out to pay our bills on the 19th. So I went around figuring out what to do and then this morning, Joel and I was blessed with not only one weeks pay but his normal 2 weeks. I was so shocked since he got paid last Friday, but I was thankful because that means that all our bills will be caught up and when he gets paid again we wont have to pay everything that we normally have to pay which means we can start saving!!! Thank the Lord,for always being there for us when we really need Him the most.

Lord, I come to you to thank you for always being there for us when we really needed you, yu have never let us go without, and I give all the praise and glory to you. I also ask that you bless Joel and I with another child, you said that you wanted u to multiply, well Lord we cant do that without you. I am being patient and waiting on you Lord. You know when the time is right, Thank you! Lord, I also ask that you give me the strength to show my mother the love of Christ that you have given me to show. I dont want to be scared to talk about You with anyone, and I dont want to be scared that I will be looked down at for being who I am. Help me, please. Help me to forgive the people in my life and not in my life anymore that have hurt me. I know that is the right thing to do but I struggle with forgiving on a daily basis. I need your guidence and support. I need to know that I can do all things through you. You are wonderful and mighty and the Only One. I give the glory to your wonderful, powerful,and mighty name, Amen!

Last Night

Well last night was a good night. My mother-in-law took Jaden for the night so me and Joel go to spend some time together. We went to the movies and watched "drag me to hell", it was alright. Wasnt really scary, it was kind of corny! Then we came home and relaxed and had fun. We didnt go to bed until late and I felt terrible because Joel had to get up and go to work early.

The only bad thing about last night was all night I felt sick to my stomach. I had felt bad before church and I thought it was just because I was hungry but even after I ate I felt the same.

I felt like that this morning when I got up to send Joel out on his way. no fever and nothing else is hurting and feels bad. maybe it was something that I ate. I prayed and am still praying.

some other things on my mind are,
why do family members have to be so mean, or why do they decide to joke and play around about serious things. Like last night as church my friend Leanna came to me and said that she was sorry she didnt make it to my graduation and I told her it was alright, and then she said it was because she wasnt feeling good and then my broth-in-law said well you didnt miss anything it was only 20 minutes long. It hurt my feelings because that was imporant to me. Well, I will be ok because I know that I worked hard for those so called 20 minutes!

Graduation

Yay! Last night I graduated from getting my GED. I am so proud of myself. I was pushed by family and friends to do it which then in turn made me push to get it. I know God helped me through alot of it! Yay!

Good Day!

Today had a good day. Cleaned a little not to much, but some. I love being happy! i know my God is by myside and He is always listening to me. He has been talking to me, like I was having a conversation with Him all day and He has heard everything I had to say. I am proud to be a christian and I wouldnt change anything. 

I have found a new hobbie to start and I am going to buy some stuff for it this weekend. I cant wait to see how I do and if I want to keep up with that hobby! I have a hard time keeping with things! 

Excited that 4 days until I graduate! YAY! Cant wait it is going to be so much fun. I am praying that I can get my hair colored and cut before Monday the 8th! Back to a brown my hair goes and I am going to get it cut to my shoulders..lol! I am a little nervous bout it but I am going to look cute..lol! Yes I am conceited, get over it. I like myself and I am proud of myself for the things in my life that I have accomplished. Things I never thought I would be able to do. 

I love my husband and my beautiful daughter! My family is very important to me and even my extended family. I have so many people here for me that I didnt even realize. I always told myself that I had no one but now that God has shown me that I have my family and friends that makes me feel better. God is awesome and glorious! 

I thank God everyday for my family and friends. I know He is listening to me even when I dont see His answers! 

Happt Happy Joy Joy! 

I hope we go camping this weekend! I love camping. 

Enough is Enough

Ok, now this is enough, first my breast hurt and are hard, then my kidneys start hurting really bad and then my cycle starts for the month...grrrr! Well breast dont hurt but they are still hard, my kidneys still hurt really bad, have been drinking alot of water and juice to cleanse my insides and my cycle is heavy and nasty. Why do women have to go through so much and men dont really have to go through anything. I mean us women, we have a monthly cycle, which sometimes can be painful, we have to carry a child for 9months and then push it out, which is painful, while being pregnant, we experience breast tenderness and back pain and swollen feet, geez and men dont deal with any of the pain. The only thing I know is men may gain sympathy weight, while the women is pregnant but hey thats nothing compared to what we go through..haha I wish I were a man so I wouldnt have to go through all this crap. Sorry about that but I had to get that off my chest...LOL!

I want to thank God for blessing us with am air conditioner. We have been praying for one, and yesterday a dear friend called us and asked of if we would like one. I was so happy, one room will be nice and cool, until God blesses us either with another one or a better place to live that has air. I know God is watching over us and protecting us, He is with me, by my side all the time. I know if I really need to talk to someone He is there listening and He never talks back. He waits until I am completely finished and then tells me His heart and want He wants from me. He makes my life so much easier and I know He truely cares about my feelings and thoughts, even when I am mad at Him. Thank you Lord Jesus for listening to me and being there with me whenever I need you the most.

Lord Jesus, I ask that you bless this family abundently, I ask that you bless us with another child, You told us to multiply and be fruitful, well Lord, we can not do it by ourselves, we need Your help and guidence. I also ask that You bless my sister Marielle with a child. We give it all to You! I ask that You watch over this family and all else in the family, that we are blessed and protected. In Your wonderful and glorious name, Amen!

I also pray for the families that are dealing with someone you have cancer or is sick, I ask that you give them the strength and show them the love you show all your people and family. Let them know You are there with them and that they can talk to You whenever they need to. I pray for the soldiers that are fighting for this country, that they ar able to come home safetly to their familes and friends. I pray for the people that are struggling, You know what they are going through, You are the only one that can reach them and touch their hearts with Your wonderful Love. I pray for Sri Lanka, that all the things that are going on will stop. I am not sure of everything but You know all.

May is over...LOL

Sorry I couldnt come up with a topic..lol! Today has been a good day. I got up at 8:30am and made breakfast, sausage and eggs for us this moring, got Joels clothes together for work and sent him out the door with a kiss and I love you!
Then I got myself ready for church, I didnt feel good his morning,thought I was going to get sick. But the Lord God is amazing and helped me get over it. I couldnt eat my breakfast because it was making me sick, but I am good. I feel bad that I dint really dress up today for church, I was kinda lazy this morning. Got Jaden ready for church and then got all my bible and purse together and walked out the door and across the street to church. I found out that Leanna and I, both of our husbands worked today. I hate when Joel works, worship is just not the same without him, something is always missing. and for everyone that reads this, my husband plays the drums! He is a very talented drummer. He has the ability to hear a song and play it. Church service was good, the pastor talked about Wendy and Peter Pan! I found out that I am a Wendy!, but with Gods help I can get through that stage in my life.
BTW Wendy is the girl that took care of her younger brothers and took the responsiblities of the mother. Many parents are shoving their responsibilties on the older kids to take care of the younger kids, which in turn turns them into Wendys. Both men and women can be Wendys. Just as both can be peter pan( the boy/girl that doesnt want to grow up)! Wendys are attracted to Peter Pans because Peter Pan tells them that they will take the to a place of excitement and fun, but actually the Wendys ae taking to a world of having to take care and be a mother pretty much to Peter Pan. So in the end Peter Pan got want he wanted and that was for someone to take care of him so he wouldnt have to grow up! I was attracted to my Peter Pan! How about you??
After service Jaden and I came home and ate lunch and watched " Confessions of a Shopaholic" it was pretty good, its a girly movie! Then Jaden took a nap and I cleaned some, I got all the dishes done and cleaned the livin room and now I am playing on the internet.
As soon as my hubby gets home I am going to sit back on the couch and read my book that a friend bought for me. The book is " The Outsider, by Ann H. Gabhart" it is a pretty good book so far. I hope to finished with it in the next few days so I can write a review on it.
I love listening to worship and praise music while I am cleaning and playing around, it calms my heart and brings me closer to the one prince charming in my life and that is Jesus! No man can take His place in my heart.

I still have my pain. As for taking a test I havent done that yet because it has one been a day since my period should have started, so by the middle of the week if it doesnt start I am going to take a test. Please pray for me.

Wow, my life is pretty boring to take about but remember you are reading "The Blah of my Mind" LOL!

Ouch.

Well as in my last blog, I said my breast were hurting me, well they still are. They are even really firm and kinda hard. I ask a few people if their breast did that around the time they should start their menstrual cycle and they said not that they recall. So Joel and I have been praying and Joel told me that he thinks I am pregnant. So I told him we will continue to pray and if I am then I am happy but if I am not then it just means that it isnt time for another child. God knows when Joel and I are ready, so I am waiting on Him. Dont get me wrong I do want another child or more children, but my choice is to wait. I have also decided that when I do get pregnant, I dont want to know if it is a boy or a girl. If Joel wants to know then he can, as long as I dont. But I have been thinking about that, and I really havent decided as much as I say. I guess when that time comes I will decide!
But back to my breast, I have been praying that God will let me know what is causing my breast to do that and to hurt. I know that usually around the time I am going to start my menstrual cycle that my breast hurt, but they are never firm and hard.
Just keep me in your prayers.

Yesterday was a fun day. I got my first pedicure. I spent time with a friend. We had a good discussion about God and our past lives and how much we have grown since then until now. I even got my eye brows waxed! But that I have had done before. I like getting them waxed rather then tweezing them. Waxing the pain is over in one swell pull but tweezing the pain is there until you have yur eye brows done the way you wan them. to much for me. Hey and I dont think $7 is that much for an eyebrow wax!

Now the next thing to do is cut my hair and color it back to brown!

Gradation is coming up for me and I am excited. My mommy will be there, but so will the rest of the family. This day is special to me. Hopefully the weekend of the 5th Joel and I will go out to my moms for a cookout, she asked us last Sunday, she told joel and I it would be for my graduation! I am praying the Joel will ease up a little and go instead of making my mother come here all the time. I know God is working on Joel. I just have to be patient to see the change.

Sore and Memorial day weekend

Well today has been a lazy day for me since I am in pain. My breast are sore and they are hard and I dont know why. They have been hurting for about 2 days now.

Well Joel and I after church went camping with Leanna and Will after church on sunday. It was Leanna's first time ever camping, she got to go without the baby. i had to take Jaden because didnt have anyone to watch her, Heather was going to but Andrew's parents decided they would go to the lake house, so Heather told us that she was going to go. Jaden was really good though. It rained alot but it was still fun. We had a blast. We got to know each other a little better.

We ate hot dogs and sausage. Easy things to cook! joel and I bought cherry dr pepper, it was so good. Still have a few cans left. There were lots of people there and we were all having a great time. Yelling and having a blast. Didnt get to go swimming but ther will always be another time. Joel and I go camping alot during the spring and summer months.

Lord Jesus, I ask that whatever is wrong with my breast, please show me and let me know.I ask that you watch over my family and give us all your favor. My graduation is coming up and I need help to relax. Watch over my mother, as she is living with her boyfriend again. Dont let anyting bad happen, control her temper. Thank you Lord Jesus for being my provider. In your name, Amen

Hair

Ok I have been thinking about cutting my hair but have no clue how I want to get it cut. I want it to look cute for my graduation. I hve asked some people but still havent heard anything yet. I wont go any shorter then my shoulders. I am also going to be dying it back to brown, I hate blonde!

Here is an idea I had to cut my hair.

I love Mandy Moore!

Family

today my brother ad sister and their dad came to Milly to go camping for Memorial day weekend. Awesome! I got to spend a little bit of time with them and I am going to spend more time with them because they are having a cookout and Joel and I are going. Yay! Cant wait to eat a big juicy hamburger. I paid all the bills today! Talked with my friend Leanna! Had fun! cant ait to go camping with them Sunday after service! It is going to be so much fun! Yay! Sorry in a really good mood so there are going to be a few Yays!

My mom is coming to church on Sunday! Awesome! cant wait to see her!

Everyone is pretty much gone for Memorial day weekend! I pray that everyone is safe and has fun!

I have had a good day so far. hoping to get my hair cut and colored this weekend!

Friends

Today I got up at 9:30am and played around on the computer and then got a call from my friend Leann at 10.30am asking if I would like to go out to lunch with her and that she would pay, so I said sure that would give me time to bond with her. We ate a burger king, Jaden got so wet because I let her play outside on the little playground that was wet from the rain. But it is ok, you are only a kid one time in your life. We talked about some things that had been bothering me from the past and so now I feel so much better, I am glad that God was with me and helped me bring it up without having her get mad. Then we went to Walmart because she wanted to use the redbox for the first time, so I showed her what to do and told her she had to have them back tomorrow night by 9pm or you will get charged another dollar. Then she had to pick up dinner for them tonight, then we went to her house and played Mario Bros, on the super nitendo, so fun, both babies took a nap. We had an awesome talk about God and the Bible and the things we believe in. We believed pretty much the same thing. I even taught her that if she cant say she forgives someone, she can always says she forgives them through Christ, because we can do all things through Him. Our God is awesome, I would never have been able to talk about God with anyone but He gave me the strength. We had a really nice time. Now she is out looking at a house that her and Will are going to buy. I have been praying for Joel and I to be able to get a house and I know God will bless us when the time is right, I just need to be able to wait and be patient in God. So I have been praying that He will give me the peace to wait and understand Him. He knows whats best for us.

I pray for the Soldiers that are over seas defending this country. I ask that you bless there families and give them the strength and that they will trust that the Lord will bring them home safely. I pray for all the families that have someone that has cancer, I dont know what it is like but I ask that you give them all strength and know there is always Hope in the Lord. I ask that all the children that are missing be safe and that they will either return to their families or that they go to be with Jesus and live happily, instead of being tormented or whatever they have to go through. I pray that you give people the ability to forgive all that have ever done them wrong and know that they can do ALL things through Christ!

Bless my family. give everyone safe trips for this Memorial weekend. and keep us safe as we go camping on Sunday night.

Friends are God's way of taking care of us!

In His awesome name
Ayla

Laundry, Life and Peace

Well this morning I didnt get out of bed until 11:30am, I got on and check my email and my facebook and Sandra was on and I talked to her for a little while.
I told her I had housework to do once again. Laundry, dishes and everything else, it never ends. Why do I have to do it all. No one helps me, I feel that I carry all the burden on my shoulders, I have tried giving it to God but it never seems to work. Is there something wrong with me? I try and try to get closer to God and something always gets in the way and I loose what I was trying to do,I have even said to myself that I have given up in many areas of my life because nothing good has come from it, I dont see any change.

Today I was looking at pictures of houses online and it made me cry because I dont think I will ever get out of the run down piece of crap trailor. I dont want o live here, I want a home that I can call my own. But the way Joel talks to me, we wont be moving at all, because he likes the fact that no one is making him pay rent as much as he would have to in a place of our own.
I had some friends come over the other day and we talked about a house on Old Monicello dr that I liked and wanted to go look at and they were like there is alot of termit damage and then the next thing I know they were calling my sister in law that is a realistate agent to let them see the inside of it. And now they really like it and are probably going to try to buy it...damn people. I pray that i dont do anything stupid and ruin the friendship that I have with them.

I have peace in my heart that I know my God loves me and is with me at all time!

Looking for a Home

So I have been online looking for homes for me and Joel to go look at and see about moving. I have been praying that God will bless Joel and I with a home of our own. I feel God telling me to go look and when you walk into the house you will know right away. So I have found 3 houses, that are florecloseures(sp?) They look nice from th pictures online and the prices are not that bad. I am excited to go look at them and see whats going on with them and how much work will need to be done to them. But I really want something that needs to have some work done to them so I can make it my own when I redecorate! Talking about looking at houses makes me excited. I have really been wanting to get a house that I can call my own.

Lord Jesus, I ask that you help Joel and I with getting a house, make it so that we both know at the same time that this is the house weare going to try to get. Give Joel the strength to understand that if it is out of town that Jaden and I will be fine. I want to live somewhere quite and kinda away from family, not that I dont love my family but there are to many problems that go on when you live right next to them. I ask thatyou also bless my family with the desires of their hearts,Like Marielle and Jason, give them a beautiful child, and Lee and Crystal let their store do really good, and Heather, help her sale a house, Mom and dad that they are blessed and that Mom will be able to redecorate her bedroom or whatever she wants, Jeremy and kristen, help them with finances and let them know that we love them and miss them all. I also ask that you bless my mother and show her your awesome love and faithfulness that I know. I really have thought abbout letting my mother read Captivating, so she could understand your love and faithfulness. I come to you asking may things, but I give you thanks for all the things you have already done in our lives and the things that you are going to be doing in our lives. You are an awesome God and you deserve all the praises and glory! In your wonderful name, Amen!

I am excited because I got the results of my test back yesterday and I made a 480 on the math. It is better then what I thought I woul do. I wouldnt have done it with out the Lord standing next to me giving the strength and attitude that I can do all thing through HIM. My God is an awesome God.

So I will walk June 8th@ 7pm at Oakhill Middle School! Yay, cant wait!

My Day

Well my day is not really that busy but it will be a little hectic because the things I need to get done are going to be hard when I have a 2 year old up my butt all the time. But I guess I have to deal with it because I am the one that had a baby..lol! I get told that all the time.

Lord Jesus, I ask that you give me strength in my work today. I also ask that you help me to handle Jaden with the peace and calmness that I should. I dont want to yell at her, I want to be able to calmly say NO and she understand, that I only tell her No because I know what could happen and I dont want her to get hurt. I love my daughter more then anything, I would no change anything, except maybe that I would know how to handle my praoblems without yelling and screaming. Help me, I need you to hold me and show me the way. Thank you for answering my other prayers. I know You are the only one that is able to provide everything I and my family needs. I also ask you Lord Jesus that you remove all the sickness from my family and heal Leah's body and give her the strength. I know that you can heal her entirely and never let it bother her again. Watch over my mother and help me show her that she needs to be close to you and to be able to come to you when she is in need of something. I want her to know the Love that I know you give us. I need my mother and I need her to understand where Joel and I come from on certain things that go on in our lives. I also want her to understand that Joel is my husband and I obey him and not myself. I know I and Joel are not perfect but I know somethings that I dont want Jaden to be around and neither does Joel, I want my mother to understand that to. I love my mother, even though she does or may do things that I dont like. I need the strength to be able to tell her my feelings without her getting mad at me. Please allow her to find a way to come to my graduation next month. It would mean a lot to me to see her there. It is a big day for me. I want to thank you for being there to listen to me when I really need you. Thank you for the things that you are going to do in my life and in my family's life. In your wonderful name, Amen!

Will be posting later about how my day went.

Life and problems

My life is so messed up. I dont understand some people. They tell you one thing and then the next you feel like you were wrong in something, but I guess the only thing for me to do is to pray and ask God for the answer or solution to my problems.

I had a talk with Joel and Pastor(dad) the other day after Wednesday night service about how I respond to Joel when he talks to me. I told them that I cant talk to Joel or any man for that matter because I dont trust any man. They understood because they knew what I was talking about and why I said it the way I did. I do feel bad that I havent yet broke through that wall of mine. I need to rely on God more then I rely on rely on myself and others. I need the strength to do so many things that are really easy.
I have come to the conclusion that I am not going to pray that God gives me patience but that God with give me support and help me through my struggles and problems that may come my way. I know that everytime I turn around something always comes my way and I have to deal with it and ten thousand others things, and when I cant do it, I go off on someone that really didnt do anything, maybe they just said something I didnt agree with and it caused me to go off.

Another thing that really bothers me is that I never feel accepted anywhere I go. Not even by my family. Which really bothers me to my core. Sometimes I feel that I dont even need to be here, because no one would give a shit. The only person I can depend on and that I know accepts me for who I am is my God. Everyone I talk wants me to change something about me so I cant figure out who I really am because everything I do is not me, it is somwthing that I was told to do or told to act. I need to stand up for myself and tell everyone to go screw them selves and stop trying to change me in places I dont need to change. I have been a christian for 3 years now and I have been told by people that they have seen alot of changes in me, and I agree but these ar good changes. I feel that the things people want me to change are things that they dont like about me, well to bad. This is me and this is how I do things if you dont like it them dont talk to me. I am not the Invisible Girl, I am girl who doesnt like conflict and doesnt care whats going on, so I am going back to being my quite self and I am not going to give my opinion, because all it does is cause problems. so if I cause problems with my being quite then to bad, it is relly your problem. The only thing I am going to speak my mind about is when someone hurts me. I am tired of keeping that all in, because it tears me apart inside because then I dont know how to act around that person. Dont ask me if I am mad at you, I will let you know. The next time someone asks me if I am mad at them then I am going to go off and say yes because you keep asking me that. It is tiring. Grow up, if I dont tell you right away it is because I like to go somewhere by myself and pray and ask God what to say and how I should say it so I dont cause anymore problems. Geez, my mind has so much stuff on it I dont think I could type it all.

My name is Ayla and my nickname is Aylabelle, there is no Invisible girl here and I dont want that to ever be me. I am done with all this crap. I give all my problems to God, He is able to do all things.

Graduation/CGTC

Omg I dont even want to get started on CGTC, they have angried me so much. I haev had so many problems with them and their GED program. I just got off the phone with Ms Devero, the person the is the head of my teacher that I had GED class with. With the things that I told her she was disappointed in her staff, because she has recently heard some of the same things from other students. I am suppose to email her and let herknow everything I tod her so she can have a document of it. So I am getting ready to email her.

All I have to say is that I am going to be praying about whether or not I should go to college there or somewhere else.

Mother's Day

Well I didnt go to church, which was a hard thing for me because I have never missed church since Joel and I got married 3 years ago. But I missed church and went to the Ren Fest in Fairburn, Ga! It was so much fun! I was one of the hundred women who got a flower! I was so happy! Jaden even had fun she got to play on the little rides that they had there, The first thing she wanted to do was go down the big slide they had, she had so much fun, even though I was was a little scared because she did it by herself. Then she walked around all day with us, she liked watching all the little shows, expecially the horses dancing! She ate some of Joel's turkey leg, it was funny seeing her take a bite out of something that was so big! I bought a parasol. It is white with a peacock on it, it is beautiful! Joel got a Lancelot Dagger for 10 dollars, it looks really nice! And of course I got beef jerky!!!!!!! I love their beef jerky!!!!!!!!!! Was going to buy perfume but I couldnt decide which smell I wanted and plus it was 15 dollars for a tiny bottle, so I said next time I would get one! When we left we went to Logans in Macon to eat dinner, it was so good. While we were there it was the first time I got to order a drink since I turned 21! I bought a Corona! It was so good! Joel and I had steak and Jaden ate a corn dog. We all had a nice time but we wont eat there again because we waited over adn hour to get our food and then we they brought it 2 things were missing. Then we went to go see what time Star Trek started becasue we were going to go watch it but it didnt start until late and so we dicided that we would see it some other time. We headed home and saw 2 rainbows at the same time. I took a few pictures, will be posting them really soon on facebook and maybe myspace! I also have a few other pics I will be posting! I had an awesome mothers day! I hope all the other mothers had an awesome mothers day too!

Lunch!

Lunch, today is going to be great. I am going to go to eat Japanese food with Mimi! I cant wait we are going to have some fun! I am going to take our camera with me so I can take pics and post my day out with mimi! After we eat we are going to go pay our bills!

I will type more about my day later!

My day was fun. I had an awesome time with Mimi. The food was good. We went to the Mall and had fun. I came home and cleaned a little but other then that my day was good.

Potty Training :(

Omg I am going to crazy trying to potty training Jaden. She doesnt seem to get it. I put her in panties and she will pee in them and not tell me. Its like she doesnt care. I dont know what to do. Everyone told me that I just needed to put her in undies and let her know what it feels like because she wont like it running down her leg, but she just doesnt care. If I dont check her every few minutes then she would sit in her pee or poop all day.

Lord Jesus please give me patience and help me with potty training. What am I suppose to do? I need help.

Kids!

Wow I have a daughter and I love her deeply and nothing will ever change that. I laugh sometimes because she is so admitte on getting what she wants. She is always asking for something and when I or her dad tells her no or that she will have to wait, she keeps pushing it. Eventually I or my husband give in and give her what she wants. We just dont have the patience that we really need. I pray to God that he blesses us with the patience we need because we both want another baby. We have been trying to conceive for a few months now and nothing seems to be happening and it is getting aggravating. I am getting stressed out. I guess I can say that God is trying to tell us that we are not ready to have another, but His word says we are to multiply. I dont know what is right and what is wrong. I am not good on waiting. I hate waiting that is one thing I dont want to do at all. Now I am having to wait to have another baby. Geez! Is there anything in this world that we dont have to wait for?????

Pain

Omg I have never been in as much pain as I am in on my period. Yea I get craps but thats normal for me. But my stomach hurts, just to even touch it. I have a sharp pain around my vagina and anus, it feels like I am being stabbed a million times. The sharp pain only lasts a few second but it hurts terribly. I looked some things online about the pain, some say it can be cyst on ovaries, others say it is an infection. All I know is I am praying that the pain goes away and doesnt ever return.

Other then me being in pain, I am doing alright this morning.

Why do we try?????

Why do we try to get pregnant? What is so great about it? I am so stressed, because my husband have been trying to get pregnant and nothing and we have been married for 3 years. At first we werent trying and we werent preventing it, if it happened it happened and we would be happy. Now we are tired of waiting and dont want Jaden to be to old before we have another.

Where is God when we need Him the most. I know we will get pregnant when He feels that we are ready but to me, I dont care how much money you save, all the precautions you take and so forth, you are never really ready ever. I hear people say all the time that they will have a baby when everything is finacially good, but in this world now, you never will reach that which means so kids, maybe that is what they are trying to say is that they dont want any children.

I started my stupid period today. My emotions have been off the wall. I feel sick. I dont want o do anything. I am upset because my husband and I prayed that I would not start my period, but let me be pregnant, well guess what I am not pregnant AGAIN.

I thought the Bible said that "if you ask, you shall receive" we asked and didnt receive. Whats up with that?

Sorry about my negative talking, but I am stressed and it is just that time of the month. Grrrrr life sucks!

Prayer

Lord Jesus, I come to you asking that you come in my life and help me get over my walls. I know that with You I am capable of anything. Bless my family. Fill us with your love so that we may pour it out on others who truely need to be shown love. I also ask that you bless Joel and I with a baby, we know it is all You, You told us that fill the world with Godly children, You told us to multiply. I give you all my worries, problems, and angry toward people to you for you to deal with and to help me forgive the people that I need to forgive even though it is extremely hard for me. I place my heart and my life in your hands, Keep me safe and keep my heart safe.

Lord, please show my husband that he is the only one for me and that my past is my past. Your word says not to dwell on the past and I feel that my husband does. Show me how to show him that he is my one and only.

One more thing Lord Jesus, help me with Jaden, show me how to handle her without losing my temper or my patience, Give my patience! Bless the family! Place your hand over us when we go through problems and struggles. With you anything is possible! You are an awesome God and the One and Only! Thank you Lord Jesus for being there for me when I really need someone to just talk to and to have someone hold me. You are my God! Thank you, I bless your name and I give you the praise you deserve, Thank you for dying for my sins.

In your wonderful and Holy name, Amen!

Blah.

Blah Blah Blah. My day again was taken over by something else. Went to church. I liked the sermon today even though I hardly heard any of it because I had to pee and Joel always acting out and talking to much. Will and Leann came to church today and then came to our house for lunch even though we didnt really have anything to eat. We had Red Baron Pizza and RC to drink. We watched Kingdom of Heaven, so I didnt get to take my nap. I am extremely tired. My body is weak and heavy.

Had a knights meeting at 6pm and it lasted 3 hours when usually it last about an hour maybe and hour and a half. We were told how we did in the tournament. I was the most consistanced. whoopie...who cares. Marielle won, she was the champion of the women. Dad(pastor, KC) won for the men.

Now I am home and I am so ready to go to bed but there is no way in hell I will get to go to bed anytime soon because I have to do everything for everyone.

I was suppose to start my period today, but I havent.

Now I am going to read and try to relax and then go to bed with a peaceful mind. I pray that I get a goods night rest. My God be with my family while we sleep.

WHewwwwww!

Well my day was so busy as you read in my blog before this. I went to bed at 9:30pm. I could not stay up any later. My body felt like a 1000 bricks, it was so tired and heavy. I slept until 9am this morning and got up and got ready for church and painted my toenails pink! Now I am waiting for it to be almost 11am so I can head over to church and praise the one true God that deserves to be praised with all my being.

He has been wonderful to my family. He blessed my wonderful hubby with a great job and blessed us with getting a new car when we really needed one.

For the last few weeeks I have been in pain and have hid it very well, besides my hubby knowing so he could pray. I did ask my mother-in-law to pray too but I didnt tell her what for, so she is praying for me too. I still am hurting in some places and not feeling that good this morning but I know with my Lord and Savior by my side I will make it through the day.

Today is the day I do not do any work but after church come home while Jaden takes a nap, I am going to finish my book that I got from the library the other day. I am surprised the book is as good as I thought it was going to be. I will be writing a review on it in a day or so or maybe even tonight.

well thats all that is on my mind right now. Maybe more later!

My Day!

My day was busy and filled with fun. Got up at 5am to leave at 5:30am to go to the big sale! We made it there and hour early. Met up with marielle and jason and heather. Got 3 dresses and a chemise. I love all the dresses I got, I am so happy. Then we went to Stonecrest Mall and walked around having fun. Had starbucks twice! It was so good! First a carmel Macciato on ice and then a berry chai tea....so awesome! Came home and went to walmart to get diapers and things for joel to make his shield. Now i am sitting here on the couch getting to watch a movie with hubby and daughter! Had a awesome day! Cant wait until church in the morning! Going to feed the ducks after church with daughter! Maybe have a picnic!

GED

OMG I am so excited! I have working on getting my GED for about 6 months and I finally found out the results the other day. I PASSED! Cant wait until I get to graduate which will be on June 8th at 7pm @ Oakhill! I am ready to start new with deciding what I want to go to college for.

My heart was pounding as I was reading my teachers email about whether I passed or failed and when I read that I passed my heart jumped out my chest. Soon after I called everyone and told them and everyone was happy for me.

When I called Lee and Crystal and told them the date of my graduation, I told them that is was on a day that they didnt open the store, and Lee said is that telling me I have to be there and I told him yes and they both said they would not miss it. I am glad that I get to have most of my family there to see me. This is going to be very special for me, even though I wish I would have just stayed in school and got a High School Diploma but I am satisfied with me getting my GED.

Now it is time for me to pray on what college to go to and what to study. I am so excited!

I want to thank My Lord Jesus Christ because without I would not have passed. He gave me a clear mind and set my heart at ease. I also want to thank MIMI because she watched Jaden and took me to class most of the time, without her I would have not been able to go to class to take the test. I want to thank the family for praying for me and having confidence in me that I could pass! Thank you everyone for all your support in my little but huge achievement!